The World's Team Sports Assessed

Well, we all know Footie is King. But what about the world's other team sports?

American Football: It could be a nice sport, in theory. The problem is that it is one part play and three parts breaks. Here's a typical American Football move. First they do this thing where it looks like they're sharing a secret. Then the ball goes to the quarterback. He throws it to some bloke running up the pitch. Who is brought down by a legal tackle. Break! That was about three seconds of play. There is a reason they have these cheerleaders, and it is not to provide a sexual outlet for the quarterback. Well, not mainly.

Rugby: This sport's raison d'être is to provide Brits with ammo in the following argument.

American: Soccer? It's a sport for pussies. Every time someone touches an opposition player, it's a foul. The sport for real men is American Football.

Brit: You mean Helmetball? Where they wear all that protective gear? Mate, the sport for really tough blokes is Rugby!

If you ever find yourself in such a conversation, take pride in the fact that you are part of an age-old tradition. Well, as old as Internet discussion groups.

Handball: No midfield play. And the scoring's too high. How am I supposed to get excited about a goal when I can be pretty certain it's not going to be decisive?

Volleyball: Bit repetitive for my taste. And why can you only score when you're serving? That doesn't make any sense at all.

Basketball: It is nice that there is a sector of the economy that provides employment opportunities for people with growth anomalies. Otherwise, same problems as handball.

Ice Hockey: Too fast. Too cold. Too brutal.

Polo: Oi, mate, either your stick's too short or you should be riding a pony. All that bending down will cause you back problems when you're old.

Baseball: One bloke throws a ball. Another bloke hits it with a stick. Then people run around a square. Sounds like a sport that was invented by the inmates of a mental hospital. On reflection, it probably was.

Cricket: You know your sport has a problem when a layperson can see the scoreline and not know who's won.

Bottom line: Stay with the Footie.